Cherchez La Femme
by The Illustrious Crackpot
Summary: Goku's having a hard time adjusting to married life with ChiChi, but maybe a talk with Krillin will help him sort things out.


_A/N: This kind of story has probably been written before, but I couldn't get the dialogue out of my head, so here you go anyways._

_As well, no ChiChi-bashing is intentional, it's just hard to imagine the early days of her marriage to Goku being anything but frustrating for both of them._

**Cherchez La Femme**

(The Illustrious Crackpot)

"Thanks for coming out here today, Kuririn."

The sunset over the grassy plains was beautiful, burning the landscape into a rusty orange, nearly the same hue as the _gi_ worn by the two young men reclining on the hill.

"Hey, no problem," Kuririn responded with a teasing grin. "ChiChi must _really_ be driving you crazy since you actually picked up a phone and _called _me."

Goku didn't respond, though his lip curled into something between a pout and a grimace, and he pulled his legs in a little closer to his body. Kuririn gulped reflexively—he hadn't meant to hurt his feelings, especially not after the nice afternoon they'd just spent together. Goku had never been one to make social calls, so the unexpected invitation to visit Goku's new home had really been a huge thrill for the lonely monk, though he'd only managed to express it with a joke.

"Hey," Kuririn said more softly, leaning closer. "Is...everything all right?"

Goku shrugged, not meeting his friend's gaze. "Being a 'husband' is _hard_, Kuririn," he complained. "It's like I can't do _anything_ right. ChiChi doesn't like it when I train, she keeps asking me to do 'chores' and getting mad when I don't know how or mess up, she corrects my sentences...no matter what I do, she finds something to yell at me about!" Goku sighed heavily. "I want to _punch_ her sometimes!"

"Whoa, whoa, Goku, punching girls isn't okay, _especially _if it's your wife!" Kuririn hastened to interject.

"I _know_...but the worst part is, she always _blocks_ it!"

Kuririn gaped. "Uh...?"

Goku rested his chin in his hands, his expression becoming even more miserable. "Yeah, she _blocks_ it, but then she doesn't even _counterattack_ or anything, she just starts yelling about how she doesn't wanna _spar_ with me! Can you believe that, Kuririn? I wouldn't mind all the arguing and chores and stuff if she'd just _fight_ with me! How _else _are we supposed to have fun?"

"I, uh...wow, that's...that's pretty rough," Kuririn fumbled, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. Ever since the last Budokai, he'd spent so much time being jealous of Goku for landing such a cute wife that he hadn't stopped to think about how difficult married life would be for him. After all, Goku had never had a normal domestic life as far as Kuririn knew, and he probably didn't understand any of the things he was expected to do and to act like. "Have you...um...have you tried talking to her about this? Like, asking for her help, or explaining how much you'd like her to spar with you?"

"Yeah, but she just goes on about how I don't know anything and husbands and wives aren't supposed to fight like that." Goku's brow furrowed, and he pulled his legs in even closer. "I mean, she's nice to me sometimes, and she does cook really well, and I like her, but...I wish I hadn't been too _dumb_ to know what marriage was when I first promised her, then I wouldn't be _stuck_ like this!"

"You're _not_ dumb," Kuririn asserted automatically, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. For the first time since they'd broached this topic, Goku turned to face him, and it was tough to keep up his determined demeanor in the face of such helpless pleading from someone normally so self-assured. "You and ChiChi just don't really know each other that well yet. You probably just need some time to adjust. And hey, you can always spar with me if you want! I'm sure Master Roshi, and Yamcha and all the rest feel the same way!"

Finally, Goku's shoulders relaxed with a sigh. "Yeah, you're right," he conceded, dropping his hands back into his lap. "I mean, she finally said something nice about my dish-washing last night..."

Kuririn couldn't help but crack a smile. "See? That's progress, isn't it?"

"But, um..."

Goku bit his lower lip nervously, and Kuririn felt a sudden sense of dread.

"But there's...there's other stuff that ChiChi does sometimes, and I just...I really...I _dunno_, Kuririn..."

Kuririn tried to swallow, but his throat was suddenly dry. "Yeah...?"

"It's like..." Goku's nervousness gave way to frustration, and he started gesturing awkwardly with his hands, trying to communicate visually what his life of camping, questing and martial arts had given him no words to express. "Whenever she's being really nice to me, she'll suddenly do this _thing_ where she puts _her _mouth on _my _mouth, and then no matter what I do, she gets really mad at me and I don't know _why!_"

"Ah...um..." Kuririn croaked, his hand frozen in place on Goku's shoulder, "well...what is it that you..._do?_"

Goku's brow furrowed. "Well, the _first_ time, it happened so fast that I thought she'd tripped and fallen, so I pushed her off of me to try to help her back to her feet, but then she started crying and ran away. But then it kept _happening_, so I figured she was doing it on _purpose_ for some reason, so now I just stand still and let her do it, but whenever I do _that_ she gets upset and starts talking about how I'm 'not even trying' or something, and I 'don't find her attractive', which I guess means 'pretty', so if I try to say that I _do_ think she's pretty, then she gets all happy but then she tries the _thing_ again and gets _mad_ again and Kuririn, what's even going _on?_"

As relieved as he was that the problem was this simple, it still took a few moments of shallow breathing for Kuririn to muster the energy to clear his throat and begin speaking. "Well," he explained, reddening under Goku's piercingly inquisitve gaze, "that's called k-'kissing'. When ChiChi, uh, _kisses_ you, then she wants you to kiss her _back_."

"But why?" Goku asked innocently, causing Kuririn to redden even further. "And..._how?_"

"Well, uh...y-you do it by, um, shaping your mouth like you're...like you're whistling, see?" Kuririn demonstrated the pucker extremely self-consciously, which Goku mirrored thoughtfully. "A-a-and then you, uh, p-put your mouth on the other person's mouth and, um...I guess you...figure it out from there?" He really wasn't certain, having never done it himself, but Goku nodded intently, trusting every word. "And as for 'why', w-well...it's a way to show that you l-_like_ someone."

"So like _thi_—"

In a burst of speed that was faster than anything he'd ever performed in any life-or-death battle, Kuririn somehow managed to clap both his hands over Goku's mouth before the blissfully ignorant young man managed to make contact with Kuririn's face. Desperate as he was to get his first kiss, there was _no way_ he was going to let it be taken by _Goku_.

"L-'liking' someone like boyfriends and girlfriends or husbands and wives!" Kuririn spluttered frantically. "_Not_ regular friends! Okay?"

Kuririn's grip was terrifyingly tight, so all the confused Goku could do in response was nod slowly and deliberately until his mortified friend released him. Goku exhaled loudly and sat back, a look of relief finally washing over his face. "All right, I'll try that on ChiChi next time if that's what'll make her happy."

Kuririn tried to grin encouragingly, though his heart was still pounding through his chest from nervousness. "It'd probably make her _more_ happy if, next time, _you_ do it to her _first_."

Goku's smile was wider and far more heartfelt. "Thanks, Kuririn, I really mean it," he said, and in a very un-Goku-like move, his face reddened slightly and he averted his eyes. "Sorry if I've been making you uncomfortable with all this. It's just that you're so _smart _about these kinds of things, and...well...I like talking to you like this. It doesn't feel as weird as trying to ask Bulma or Master Roshi."

Kuririn could have puffed up at the compliment, or shot it down with sarcastic self-deprecation, or balked at the thought of Goku getting relationship advice from either of the others named. But what struck him most was that this really _wasn't_ the same Goku he'd met six years ago at Kame House. This Goku had gone out of his way to make a social call for the sake of seeing a friend, without even any Dragon Balls to find or any threats to protect the world from. This Goku asked for advice and was willing to compromise in order to make someone else happy. This Goku had even started to figure out how to read social cues.

In short, this Goku was growing up, and Kuririn would be darned if he couldn't do it too.

"I like talking to you too, pal," he replied, and this time his grin was genuine. "And don't mind about making me nervous. I just wanna be here for you."

"Oh good, because there's this one other thing," Goku went on in relief, and started gesturing with his hands again. "Sometimes ChiChi does this other thing where she makes me get in bed even though I'm not sleepy, sometimes in the middle of the day even, and then she starts taking off all her clo—"

"I'll tell you later," Kuririn interjected swiftly, already feeling his face heat up. When Goku fell silent, Kuririn let out a short breath.

"For now...let's just watch the stars."


End file.
